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Trying To Be Born

2013-03-07 11.55.14I’ve missed you. I haven’t been out here at my blog since last November, and there’s been a little hole in me as a result. But it’s a hole I’ve created by design. On purpose. For a reason I’m just now begin to see is real. And not a fluke.

There is a quote from Mary Oliver I always hang among the hundreds of “prayer quotes” at my Homecoming women’s retreat. It’s always sung to my soul. It reads: “Don’t disturb me. I’m trying to be born.” That’s me now, with writing. In fact, I’ve posted that quote in my office to remind me.

Something is trying to be born through me.

Now here’s the funny part. Well, not exactly funny, “ha ha”, but more ironic. This month, for exactly 14 days (…but who’s counting), I actually thought that “something” was a baby. As in a real one. With diapers. And me, at the age of 44. Gulp. I’ll spare you the particulars of that story (you’re welcome), but I will tell you this: the gift embedded in that holy shit event was that it forced me to consider how I would make space in my busy and full life for something else to enter. And so I did.

It’s amazing where you can find space when you need to.

Somewhere along the way, I got the sense this thing that was trying to be born has to do with writing. My writing. So I started. Writing, that is. It wasn’t about anything in particular or with any destination or purpose in mind. I finally gave myself permission to not have it all figured out in advance, but to simply write – to start from the middle and work myself up, out, in or down until I got oriented. It was quite liberating, actually, not having a map, feeling free to roam purely on instinct. It connected me to the part of myself that loves to travel and discover distant lands. Now I’m clear that my travel is a journey with words these days, at least for right now. I know myself as a traveler – I’m fearless, infinitely curious, and wide open to possibilities and serendipity along the trail.  So in this spirit, I am embarking on my road trip with words. I trust, whatever “it” is I am meant to discover will soon be revealed to me. But for right now, my job was to simply write.

It seems I’m not too far off the mark with that internally-driven edict. Yesterday, I saw an incredible intuitive who was able to relay some guidance to me from my spirit guides (not sure if that’s your cup of tea, but they are my go-to peeps when I need assurance I’m on the right path…) The first thing she said is, “Are you writing?” At which point I laughed, “Yes, yes I am.”

And that’s no lie. For nearly a month now, I have been pulling out my computer daily and just writing whatever comes to mind. Anything and everything. It was clunky and awkward and disjointed at first, but just as promised, I’m beginning to vaguely see some form take shape, although it’s too early to tell what it is exactly. Kind of like looking at an ultrasound when a baby is 8 weeks old in utero. It’s just a pulsing, amorphous mass on a screen, but somehow, deep down, you know it’s a baby that’s going to be born some day.

So I’m am over here writing.

Part of that is because of your urging, your asking, and your prodding me to do just that. So thank you for playing a large part in this. I feel so blessed to have so many diehard champions in my posse. I hope to meet you out here more frequently now that the words are flowing, but if I don’t, know that I’m am over here trying to be born.